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This next bit is a bit raw as I give just a small summary of what was going on. Digging deep to collect very specific photos, to include in this music creation section was frankly, very, very uncomfortable. I ended up writing an unplanned body of text.I know most won’t have come on this page to read something that heavy, so I’ve decided to segregate that body of text and make it an option.
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I will say one thing though. Every true artist carries some sort of pain and suffering, there has to be some sort of fuel for the creativity, something within that needs an outlet.
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My problem most of my life, was that I listened to people too easily. I projected my own perception of people onto them, I was too naive and saw people as kind, caring etc etc. Even those who were abusive towards me, I saw as “It’s my fault, I must have upset them” or “They’re having a bad day” or whatever other excuse I gave to justify whatever was said or happening with me.
Truthfully, it was a load of b*****ks, because stepping out of their narrative and looking at actual reality. I know that they were wrong for what they said and did. Now that I’ve long moved on, it’s their problem to deal with and carry for the rest of their lives.
Having the outlook back then, that everyone wants well for me and that people are good to one another naturally, I know now, it’s very dangerous.
Now that the spell has been broken long ago, Looking back at these photos I was searching through, I can see it clear as day. There was a lot of insidious, underhanded influencing of me going on. A lot of Micro-influencing, pretty much grooming was happening. I was trying to avoid using that word but unfortunately, reality is reality. Certain individuals who are family/ relatives, some friends, including best friends at the time and outsiders too.
It can be anyone, from any walk of life, from any race, culture or affiliation. In reality it’s all dependent on how f**ked up the individual and their mindset is.
Basically, all this is what caused me to sell my Amiga tower, get rid of all my electronics and all the things I enjoyed while in that comfortable bubble, these micro-influences. It caused me to stop doing the things I love doing, I eventually sold that RolandED MIDI controller because someone influenced me to do it. My creativity unfortunately screeched to a halt in 2005 as life itself changed gears completely when I went to university.
I already lacked self confidence, but in those years I became very meek and spent the years from 2004 all the way to 2009 trying to crush my own passions and minimise myself and my life. 2011 was a horrendous year for me, an experience happened and it resulted in the following years up until 2014 of me doing the same as I did back in 2004 onward. It just extended it and as a result, I was trying to be this passive conforming “good girl”, trying to “fit in”
Until came the point where I had a nervous breakdown and something just snapped within me. I became defiant and stopped caring what people thought of me, believe me it was not received well. But then when you want to do something meaningful in life, when you wish to make something of yourself. A lot of people out there seem to become very uncomfortable with you for doing so.
I know now for a fact, that I’m not meant to fit in anywhere, even amongst other nerdy/geeky girls and women and I’ve accepted that long ago. I’m a woman with unusual interests and my ways of thinking, feeling and experiencing life aren’t conventional. Many people out there have been and are going to be uncomfortable with me, it’s inevitable. I know what it’s like to be shunned and have my efforts covered up. Only difference is, I know how to deal with it now and continue doing what I do despite it all. Whether they like it or not.
Looking Back
It’s not easy looking back and realizing that two thirds of the time spent with past friends, certain family members/relatives and acquaintances, was in fact, a lie. It makes you question what was real within all the relations you had with others in the past and what the f**k you’re supposed to do when you face the same people now.
There is a question that does come to mind, had I been back then how I am now, more sure of myself, would those people have hung around? Well, their absence in my life right now, kinda speaks volumes. I think I already know the answer.
You know, I’ve found that as long as you know where you stand, as long as you truly know who you are and know reality and that the ground beneath you is really the ground beneath you, then no one stands a chance to disrupt your life, your tolerance for other people’s false narratives diminishes completely. You see these kinds of people from a mile off and will know exactly what to do.
To be honest I’ve cut most of them out of my life. As my oldest brother once described me to a mutual friend of ours. This friend and I had a major fall out once due to his behaviour and he confided in my brother, worrying he’s messed things up with me. Amongst other things, my brother said to him.
“Maddi doesn’t let anyone f**k with her. Notice all the people she’s dealt with in the past, they might as well have vanished from the face of the earth. There’s no sign of them and there hasn’t been for years”.
When this friend and I made up eventually, he told me what my brother had said about me. It made me think. Sometimes you’re not entirely aware of how you are or how you operate until someone from the outside observes you and holds up a mirror to you. It sort of stopped me at that moment and caused me to self-reflect. I’ve realised I’ve become very protective of myself.
My only regret are all those wasted years, I wish I wasn’t so naive and didn’t allow people to walk all over me like that, however, how could I have prevented it if I wasn’t aware it was happening. I would have gone further than I have done. But then, there is a reason for why things happen the way they do.
Let me finish by telling you; It’s not only the devil who whispers in your ear, trying to perish you from the inside out. There are many people out there who do too. Just like the devil, they mix the poison with honey to make it palatable for you to consume…
Every true artist carries some sort of pain in their life, it’s the fuel for their creativity, it’s that very thing that needs an outlet, that forces you push through the pain and create…