unfocused sunset

Life, People, Creativity, Music – Thinking About It All

I haven’t posted anything in a long time and that is due to my mother’s passing. However I’m still creating. The life was knocked out of me after losing my mother. I felt I’d never create again, I was ready to give up on it all. Without expecting it, ‘Subdued Light’ was created, the first track since her passing.

A tragedy like losing someone this significant in your life to the point where you feel half of you has been torn away. It makes you question everything. People, ‘relationships’, ‘friendships’. A tragedy like this makes you see things in a completely different light. You question people’s actions, motives and reactions during this time of vulnerability. You somehow end up with a raw vision where you see people for what they actually are.

You know who is truly there for you in times like these who is truly supportive and not just making loud noises to look like a good person who is on your side. But you also notice who tries to kick you when you’re down, use your tragedy as leverage to tear you down further through toxicity and constant attempts of one-upmanship, there’s so much deception and manipulation going on with all this cloak and dagger operation.

It’s all noted and clocked, especially in a time like this, it’s solidified.

I recently had someone vandalize my property and I know who it is and who’s behind it. There’s no point being outraged, that would be too easy for them. The timing is what to notice, it’s always impeccable. All this actually reflects on who they are rather than who I am. It’s clocked, it’s noted. Thank you.


Observation

Maddi with cup of Turkish coffee and treats


I’ve always observed people and watched them and their behaviour, since I was a child. I’m at a point in my life where there’s a more hardy soul looking through these eyes. I may not say, do or react much, but it gets noticed and since I seem to have been blessed with a strong long term memory, out of my control, it’s not forgotten.

I understand this quote even more now, more than ever:

“Do not worry about tricks and cheat.

If some people are trying to trap and hurt you, The Divine is also trapping them.

Hole diggers fall in their own holes.

No bad remains non punished, no good remains non awarded.

Have faith in justice and let the rest be.” ~ Shams Tabrizi

Witnessing this happen many times throughout my life. it’s funny how things make more sense when you look back in retrospect. I’ve experienced a lot from people, more so in this online world.

I’ve no interest in competing with anybody, yet I’m pulled into low key, underhanded, passive aggressive slinging matches that I didn’t sign up for.

The fact that it’s specifically ‘underhanded’ aggression and taunting shows how weak and feeble these people truly are. And the moment you see it, it’s as obvious as day. The reality of people at their hidden base level. It’s the fact that they feel the need to be like that with you, unwarranted, that gives their game away.

Coffee on the coffee table


The Emperor

I read something about an emperor once, who was naked amongst his followers. They told him he looked good, despite him obviously being naked and inappropriate. They told everyone “Doesn’t the emperor look wonderful?” They wouldn’t dare say anything else to him in fear of consequences. told him what they felt he wanted to hear. This was the basis of their loyalty, they confused fear with loyalty. Everyone complemented the emperor on his new clothes despite him wearing nothing.


It took that one child to go up to him in front of all his followers and say “You’re naked”.

Then Suddenly, the emperor’s nakedness became apparent to him, he felt shame, embarrassment and started trying to hide himself.

I don’t know the origin of the story (Possibly ‘The emperor’s new clothes? Please tell me if you know) but it really resonated with me.

This phenomena happens a lot, especially online and on social media amongst content creators, youtubers etc. In these situations, the ‘child’ amongst the followers, who sees things for what they truly are, becomes a scapegoat ‘child’.
smear campaigns, rumours and all sorts are started against the child for having their view of reality..

So all these people who overshadow, plagiarize ideas, bully, put down, the constant one-upping. These people are lost, they’re weak, they need lots of people constantly telling them they’re fantastic and on the right path and that their reality is the correct one, in order for them to remain validated. There is no inner work done, no inner strength built, because all that is sought externally.


Just like the emperor’s crude and unpleasant nakedness which the people had to endure and dismiss to not disturb the status quo, It is extremely obvious to those who notice and no amount of gaslighting can cover it.

In these situations I’ve faced, it truly says more about them as a person and their state than it does me. When you refuse to do any inner work, a big fall is always imminent. It’s not a matter of ‘if’ the house of cards will fall, it’s a matter of ‘when’.

And all it takes is one small little nudge on the base cards…

This following quote also has been resonating with me throughout this time.



“Look carefully around you and recognize the Luminosity of Souls.

Sit beside those who draw you to that.”

~Rumi

These kinds of people are extremely rare, unfortunately, but you can tell when it’s genuine.

I’m thankful to those who have genuinely reached out to me and supported me throughout this time, thank you and I love you for truly being you.

On a Lighter Note…or two

Creativity and My Music

Step Inside Album Audio equipment setup

While I’ve been away, I’ve actually been offline most of the time and haven’t got a clue what’s been going on, online. So much time has passed and it’s unreal.


It’s been just me and my Amiga, my synthesizers and my Polyend tracker. After my mother passed, I created the track ‘Subdued Light’ . Since then I’ve been creating more and actually, I’ve been learning two more programs on the Amiga.

I have to share, the time with just me and my Amiga in my bedroom back in the family home. It felt like I was back in the early-mid 90s messing around with Soundtracker Pro 2. I really, really miss those times and the innocence of pace of them.

So yes, there is more to come with regards to my album, I want to try and get back on track. My aim online isn’t to sell my soul and become a huge sell-out superstar celebrity. I’m only here to share my experience and who I am with whoever is genuinely interested.

If you’ve not seen it yet, check out the opening for this album which I’ve made a music video for. The rest of the album will soon follow.

Healing

My nephews and I have been spending a lot of time together whenever I’m staying at the family home. They’re also grieving their grandmother, they’re only young and are really missing my mum.

So Rich and I introduced Minecraft to them and I decided to bring some additions to their humble little gaming channel.
They’ve taken to it a quite a bit. Here, i’ve linked a couple of our gameplay videos from their channel.

I hope you all have been doing well. Again thank you for those of you who have reached out to me, I have a few emails and messages to reply to. I really appreciate your support during this difficult period of my life.

2 responses to “Life, People, Creativity, Music – Thinking About It All”

  1. Paul Delta avatar
    Paul Delta

    Glad to hear an update from you Maddi. I don’t have much to say other than I’m glad you are taking a break and just doing you. Hope you are hanging in there and wishing you the best. XO

  2. Jason Marrison avatar
    Jason Marrison

    Hiya Maddi ☺️ Oh boy, You know, l wish l didn’t understand this so utterly completely as l do.

    I’ve copied those quotes down as they are truly breathtaking and so poignant that the quotes and reading this blog had me in tears and l am more than comfortable in admitting that.

    I found that when the darkness closed in on me that not only do you find out who can hold that candle for you but also those that are willing to snub it out without a flicker of emotion or thought.

    I don’t know if you do this yourself but l am a cafe observer. Sometime l take myself into our little village and grab a coffee and sit outside and just watch the world and the people in it.

    It’s something l have always done as how we act, interact and acknowledge those traits has always intrigued me and l am constantly surprised, ( I shouldn’t be), how negative it can all be.

    I try to learn, and more importantly, to avoid these people and situations and l found when my Mum passed away it was almost like her giving me that moment to pause, reflect, realise and reevaluate my life.

    Christ, l am rambling lol…and I have re-typed this comment multiple times Maddi but you get all of the above, l know you do.

    Thank you for coming back to this wonderful world of nostalgia, music and creativity we are lucky enough to watch and share in. It means more than you know to those that follow, comment and enjoy.

    All the best to you, Rich, Mr Neelix and all the family.

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