“Shameless Self Promotion”

Throughout the years of being a content creator. I have been accused of “self promotion” a couple of times. Though once recently which amused me considering the context and accuser. Anyway, I chose to let it affect me positively. It made me think inward a little and it provoked an interesting discussion with my other half.

After all, if we all don’t look inward and take a good look at ourselves, we would just stay stuck and stagnant. I strongly believe self analysis is vital to being a balanced person overall.

I am surprised I haven’t been accused of ‘Shameless Self Promotion’ more often to be honest.It’s only been around three times. I’m aware that I shamelessly share my videos and content around social media and groups etc. So only being accused of this a handful of times actually surprises me. Oh how wonderfully patient you all are with me :-))

But after that very interesting discussion with my other half, I wanted to share a little of my thoughts here about it. For the sake of context, because context is key, I’ll share a summary of my background.

I basically came from a past of naturally selling myself short, It’s how the surroundings shaped my mind. it’s where I believe my shyness stems from.

I did a lot with my projects back in the day, despite someone telling me: “Madeeha! You don’t look good shopping for electrical components” as I was shopping in a Tandy Store for LEDs, E10 torch bulbs, resistors and pp3 battery clips at the tender age of eight. (Yeah the “weird” kid). The only one who gave any sort of support was my oldest brother, he knew what I liked and let me be. He’s the one who got the Amiga 500 and introduced me to Pac-Mania.

As difficult as it is being the shy and quiet nerdy type and being a girl on top of that adds a whole paradoxical dimension to the situation. Luckily I was left to my own devices at home, everyone was just too busy in their own lives, so I was mostly in a different room doing my own thing.

It did, however, come at a price, socially. After the many encounters with subtle and underhanded negative reinforcement dotted throughout my life. At a period of time like my teens, what other conclusion does one come to? I felt it best keeping it all to oneself to avoid conflict for everybody else’s comfort.

I created a magnificent world within me and in my bedroom, but no one else knew about it nor understood it, nor made any real effort to know more about it.

It’s only natural that a teen’s confidence gets chipped little by little over time. Heck, I didn’t even want to appear in photos, let alone share my Music MODs on Aminet. I fought hard to hide completely. As a result, when reaching 20 I stopped doing any electronics, my music creation also slowed down in my early 20s. I kept at this constriction thinking I was “keeping the peace” and stifled myself until the age of 32.

So what eventually snapped inside me? Well, it started dawning on me that “keeping the peace” externally by keeping everyone else comfortable, didn’t keep me at peace internally. Doing something outwardly to make me at peace, made everyone else uncomfortable. It dawned on me that all along, I had been conditioned into feeling “i’m a bad person” for breaking the peace. In other words I was being brought up to be a passive person with a tiny presence, who does all what’s expected of her throughout life.

As a result, a recent birthday leaves me 39 years old and with not all that much to show for it. Another thing that made me ponder about all this. I won’t lie, I regret the curbing of my passions now and feel many years have been lost and wasted keeping other people’s insecurities in their comfort zone. Left with a constant feeling of longing, I’ve learned a harsh lesson. A lot of people out there do not actually want you to be you, not in the real sense.

They want you to be the pawn in their reality, on their little chessboard which they carry around and exist on. Maybe you can eventually graduate to be a knight or a bishop if they’re feeling generous or having a good day. As long as you are within the conforms of their little chessboard and don’t become too great. That chessboard belongs to them and you’re not allowed to come off it or move without their consent.

As time goes on, I’m realising this is more apparent than I initially thought.

So the breaking point was when, as an adult this time, I just began to express my passion for electronics, Amiga and all the “nerdy stuff” and “arty farty” stuff once again (I couldn’t please anyone could I ?!?). At age 32, I started enjoying things and letting my passions flow.

The comments began again however. “What’s the point of her doing all this?”. “Why is she so weird?” and “She’ll never find a husband doing all this!!”.

A very common one: “If you don’t make money from it then what’s the point?”

I remember joking around with an acquaintance and said to him that i’m an “artist” sort of poking fun of myself. He chose to take my words literally and said “مغرورة! مديحة مغرورة!!” (Maghroura! Madeeha Maghroura!) Meaning ” Arrogant! Madeeha is arrogant! “

He didn’t get the joke and thought I was referring to myself as an artist. So I mildly interrogated him, asking him. “What’s wrong with me expressing what I do?” . He had very little to say back. He didn’t expect me to question him, he expected me to just cower and hide in shame.

I also remember an uncle once telling me.

“You know what would suit you more than all this stuff? Being a carer, because you care for other people’s feelings so much. You should go and apply for that, It is best for you”.

I looked at him quietly after he said that and he struggled to maintain eye contact with me for too long. I’m all for caring for people and empathy, as I’m naturally an ‘empath’ apparently. But 35 years of emotional servitude for other people’s “feelings” (insecurities more like) has left me barren and derelict inside and believe me, the regret burns.

As I did more on youtube, I realised that it’s not just the people surrounding me that are this way. So many people on youtube and on the “scene” acted the same way towards me.

I’ve thought to myself a few times “What the f*ck, what gives?!? Am I causing people to have a terminal illness by merely expressing myself and saying I’m into art or electronics or what??

People react to me as if i’m chopping their legs short and shrinking their height by just merely having these interests!

Such people as these, who fake the existence of a spine in their back by masking it with aggression or passive aggression, just take and never give back. Not just any people, Yeah granted it happens with strangers a lot, but when it’s people who you’d think should be looking out for you, who are supposed to be protecting you, loving you or encouraging you. Sure, actions speak louder than words, but not without consistency and purity.

I admit have a certain flaw, i’ve always had it, I wear my feelings on my sleeve sometimes once I like or respect a person. Be it family, friend or even stranger. I naturally open up when I sense purity in someone. It took me a long time to realise that sometimes alongside the purity in people, is the ego and believe me I sense when it’s not happy with my presence. No matter how much it’s curtained by smiles. I’ve sensed this in many people i’ve met throughout my life and I know it leads to an unpleasant place if I keep being open and kind.

Whether it’s family, friend or whatever else you’re seeking. You cannot make someone like you back as a person even if you think highly of them.

Heck, even if you end up being friends with them, they have to be able to see the purity within themselves in order to see it within you. In order to truly like you and not try dominating or punishing you for your mere existence because they perceive you as outshining them.

Believe me some people with “make friends” with you just to do that, just to keep you in a certain place and hold you back. It doesn’t matter how much you encourage, help and support them, they’ll take it all from you but the favour won’t ever be returned. Your side of this “friendship” will just be about keeping you in your place.

Choose your friends wisely. And for the love of God, choose your spouse wisely.

Caring for someone who truly loves and cares for you or truly genuinely needs it if they’re a stranger, is a must. It’s unconditional by nature and you’re not f**king supposed to be underhandedly punished for it by being mocked for it, devalued, manipulated or taken advantage of. There is absolutely no excuse for this outright evil.

Caring and sacrificing your time and life for someone who is tortured internally by your success, by your unwillingness to conform to the image and narrative of you which they have in their mind, is outright self-sabotage. It doesn’t matter how they present their discomfort to you, how much they have tantrums or yell and scream in order to scare you back into line.

Or they can be the outwardly smooth type who choose their words, use your deepest beliefs to scare you back into your dark corner, no doubt in a manipulative or underhanded manner. Either way the core intention is the same.

STOP Feeding them shreds of your soul.

It was 2015, I had started my Youtube channel and was playing Minecraft on it. I was creating videos for my niece and young cousin, who both used to watch my videos as the three of us were into Minecraft in a big way at the time. (Even though they’ve each moved on, I’m still into it in a big way 🙂 … It’s too creative to let go).

Out of curiosity, I confided in another acquaintance about the attitude I was getting and talked about people’s reactions towards me being into things like this, just to directly seek some outsider perspective. His response was “Well, you will find that people will not like you for being into electronics or having these interests, people don’t like it if you do things that they don’t understand, or if you do things which they cannot do. So I say, it’s best to hide your passions and don’t let anyone know you do it.” In other words, hide and take the path of least resistance.

Even though slowly nodding my head while listening to his “advice”, I was calm on the outside, It felt like someone was throwing me back into my initial mentality from when I was a shy teenager. I felt something within me, snap, on the inside. I said “Thanks for the advice”.

The more I went on with my channel, I remember another acquaintance laugh at me for creating videos, he said “Hahah look at you, what’re you going to make next, you even do the intros and everything hahahah What the heck hahahah!”

So I just asked him “What’s funny about that?”

He instantly went quiet and said “oh nothing, nothing” in a slightly shaky voice. Again, he expected me to feel ashamed and hide, instead I questioned him which he didn’t expect.

It’s the weak who try to break you down because your presence reminds them of their weaknesses and shortcomings.

Truth is, there are plenty who are scared of you becoming greater than them, they’re the ones who will try to conceal and hide you, overshadow you and take away your uniqueness by either trying to suppress you or failing that, mimicking you to make you seem less special and taunt you on top (very typical youtuber culture btw) But in truth, it only shows how weak and feeble someone is for being passive aggressive like that towards someone who just is doing their thing and hasn’t really done any harm to anyone.

Yeah everyone gets insecure, I believe it’s normal for the ego to feel threatened because it’s trying to survive. I myself have felt this before. The problem comes when you live within the ego space and that’s all you know. If you have awareness of your heart and soul space alongside it, you are able to regulate your ego, thoughts and you’ll end up being able to love and encourage others without feeling threatened by them.

How to do this? Simple, don’t put yourself down when elevating others. This creates an unhealthy imbalance in your being. Unless you’ve gone to heaven, you’re going to still require boundaries when you’re here on earth, respect them.

The problem is, most people don’t seem to be aware of this, they live in the ego space. An unregulated ego is a dangerous one, it will constrict your vision and will only show you darkness if you let it.

If you’re facing the same problem with people then STOP feeding their ego and obeying it by stifling yourself into their narrative. Yours will be a wasted life if you imprison yourself and succumb to others insecurities. And for God’s sake do not stop regulating your ego if you make something of yourself, it will cause you to sell your soul for a miserable price, even if that price is the whole world itself.

I think by now, those of you who know me, truly, know where the “I’m going to do what I do, whether you like it or not” attitude comes from, that ‘snap’ which, by the way, is also the ignition to my youtube channel and all what I do till this day.

Yeah, I know I do a lot of “shameless self promotion”. But in a world where many who have tried to hold me back behind the scenes, especially for doing things the honest and genuine way, off the cuff . I don’t have any team to help me set things up or give me ideas or edit my videos, I’m not part of any “I scratch your back and you scratch mine” soulless elite society or club (nor do I want to be frankly).

I don’t have any special advantage in life, in fact quite the contrary, i’ve had to fight my way through things more. All what I do, I did by myself from the ground up with people trying to water down my foundation before it got a chance to set.

So if I don’t share my videos or promote my hard work and effort, my artwork, then who else will?! How does an artist put their artwork out there? They go to exhibitions.


  1. To hold forth or present to view; to produce publicly, for
    inspection; to show, especially in order to attract notice
    to what is interesting; to display; as, to exhibit
    commodities in a warehouse, a picture in a gallery.
    [1913 Webster]”

For those of you who have supported me and love me, especially my other half, Rich, my true friends and family. I wish to say a huge thank you. As well as those of you out there who comment positively, encourage, support and say warm things, make that genuine effort to relate with me, correct me whenever I put myself down, now you know a little more why I reply to your comments and say “This means more than you realise”.

I no longer have time for two faced, passive aggressive boundary pushing back stabbers, especially those who are burning at the seams over you, trying to tear you down, calling you a “Shameless self promoter” without any good reason.

To those who resent me, have spread stupid rumours about me, who have tried to jeopardise me and my efforts. who still resent me for doing all this, for knowing what I know and doing what I do. Making something of myself and putting myself out there. I suggest you get up off your ass and do something for yourself.

Open your mind (it may hurt a little but don’t worry, it won’t kill you) regulate your ego, open your heart, find your passion, learn something, work hard and fight for your passion just like I did and still am doing, instead of sitting on your ass, sucking lemons, moaning about how bitter they are and spitting pips at everyone.


Right on!

Very appreciative of the support in response to this post. Thank you!

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